The real reason so many couples elope
(that nobody talks about)
Every elopement photographer talks about the reasons why couples elope. You probably know them by now..
- The stress of planning a big wedding.
- Not wanting to be the center of attention.
- Complicated family dynamics.
- Wanting to make the day about them instead of 100 other people.
All of those reasons are very real. But I've been noticing a deeper, underlying reason in almost every one of my couples this year.
And it has to do with being an empath.
So let's talk about that...
Empaths are people who are incredibly sensitive to the feelings of others. Sometimes childhood trauma causes a person to become an empath. Sometimes it's just built into their DNA. Sometimes it's a combination of both. But the result is a really beautiful personality that is highly attuned to the needs of other people.
The struggle, however, is that it's extremely difficult for empaths to focus on themselves. They take care of other people by default. Their "emotional antennas" are always up. They're constantly reading the room, checking to see if everyone is comfortable and happy, making sure no one is feeling left out. They naturally absorb everyone else's experience, whether they want to or not. It's almost impossible to shut it off.
And it's exhausting.
Yes, you guessed it. I'm speaking from experience. I didn't start to understand this about myself until I started traveling alone.
When I began traveling for international elopements about a decade ago, I discovered that I absolutely loved solo travel. I assumed it was because I'd raised five kids and was finally able to be alone with my thoughts without interruption. :)
Then I started inviting friends to travel with me occasionally, and I realized something very quickly...
The entire travel experience changed for me. Not because the friends I invited were difficult or bad travel partners. And not because they expected anything from me. I just realized that I couldn't fully have my own experience when other people I cared about were there. I couldn't stop paying attention to how they were feeling.
Were they enjoying themselves?
Would they rather do something else?
Should I have suggested a different trail?
Are they loving this place as much as I do?
What can I do to make this even better for them?
Every decision suddenly became about someone else. I loved seeing my friends enjoy the places I loved, but I wasn't able to have my own experience when there was someone else there that I felt I needed (or wanted) to take care of.
The same thing happened when I discovered hiking.
For most of my life, I wasn't a big fan of hiking. It was just okay. But then I went on my first backpacking trip.. and good god.. I fell in LOVE. That first trip was up in the North Cascade mountains in Washington, and I went with a close friend. It was incredible - I mean.. like "no words" kind of incredible. But in addition to the experience, I learned something really interesting about myself.
During parts of the trail, we hiked together of course.. chatting, laughing, commenting on the insanely beautiful views or how much harder the uphill climb was than we expected.
Then there were times when we'd naturally leave some distance between us, and I would have the trail to myself.
I noticed a huge difference in how my mind worked in both scenarios.
When we hiked together, I was thinking about her.
Her experience.
Her pace.
Her needs.
I wasn't tuned into my own experience at all. Time was passing, and I was missing out on my perspective and my thoughts.
But when we were separated by a dozen yards or so, I found myself completely immersed in the experience. Inspired. Moved. Connected to the nature around me. I knew on that very first backpacking trip that I needed to start planning solo hikes. I realized this was a wonderful version of meditation for me. My way of finding creative inspiration and forward movement in my life.
I have been noticing the same kind of personality in a lot of my couples.
I'm thinking it shouldn't be a big surprise. My guess is that there's a certain type of person who's really drawn to nature - especially moody landscapes like the Pacific Northwest or Iceland or the rugged coastline of southern Maine.
In my experience, empaths are often deeply drawn to nature. They're usually introverted, intuitive, and reflective. That personality is a perfect fit for the kind of private, nature-centered elopements that I photograph
.
But it also means that one of the biggest benefits of eloping—especially if it's just you and your partner—is that you finally get to be present. 100%
There is no one else to take care of. No one else's emotions to monitor. No one else's experience to manage.
It's just the two of you... and the views. You'll walk away from your wedding day having actually experienced it. Imagine that!
This is why I think elopements are so powerful.
Not because they're small, not because they're adventurous, but because they give you permission to stop taking care of everyone else and fully experience one of the most important moments of your life together.
They allow you to quiet everything else in your mind and become completely immersed in each other.
To experience every emotion without constantly checking on someone else's. I don't think enough people realize that's what they're really craving.
Now, does that mean you can't invite guests? Absolutely not. I photograph guest-inclusive elopements all the time. But I also spend a surprising amount of time helping couples protect the reason they chose to elope in the first place.
One of the biggest mindset shifts is this:
Don't invite people as if you're hosting a wedding. Invite them as if you're opening the door for them to witness your elopement. It sounds subtle, but it's a huge difference.
You don't have to find everyone's lodging.
You don't have to coordinate everyone's vacation.
You don't have to become a destination wedding planner.
Instead of saying, "We want to invite you to our elopement!" and then taking on all of the travel and lodging logistics, try something like this: "We're eloping because we really want the freedom to be completely present with each other that day. We want to have this experience for ourselves. But there are a few people we'd love to share part of it with, and you're one of them. We'll be in this area on these dates. The night before our wedding we're planning a dinner with everyone, and we'd love for you to be there. The next day you're invited to our ceremony, but the rest of the day we'll be spending alone together. We hope you'll come and make a wonderful vacation out of it for yourselves, but please don't feel any pressure if you can't."
That's it.
Give them the gift of an invitation, the opportunity to travel somewhere beautiful, and the knowledge that they're incredibly important to you. Then let them handle their travel. Their lodging. Their sightseeing. Don't make the mistake of choosing an elopement because you want to focus on the two of you, only to end up spending your wedding day focused on everyone else.
Don't forget why you're doing this.
Protect that reason at all costs.
I think that's the conversation we should be having more often. Because if you're someone whose brain is always tuned into everyone else's emotions and experiences, an elopement isn't just another way to get married.
It's permission.
Permission to spend one or more days fully inside your own experience. To let your attention belong entirely to your partner. To hear your own thoughts. To feel your own emotions. To remember your wedding day because you actually got to live it.
And if that sounds like exactly what you've been craving, then maybe this isn't just one reason to elope.
Maybe it's your reason.
Carla and Karima eloped in Astoria and on the Northern Oregon Coast. Thanks to Keepsake Tattooing for being such a badass part of their wedding day!
